Re: Help for Depression
Fri, 25 Jul 14 20:26:27 -0500
First, again Lilac you have great information which comes from your ample research. Please continue informing the EC community about your insights and progress. There's nothing like living through an issue that makes suggestions have real meaning.
One of the most memorable persons we all know who had depression issues was President Lincoln. So severe were his manic depressions, that he would not carry a pocket knife with him for fear he would use it on himself. At least that is in one of the biographies on Abraham. I have four or five.
And to both you and Mama to Many, thank you for your condolences.
I am such an impatient person, and I expect instant recovery after a short time but find that grief is more persistent and perplexing in this case (loss of a mate) than I'd anticipated, even though I knew for years the prognosis of her cancer.
One would think the mind and soul would be ready when the end finally came. Oh not so. Very rarely in my life have I experienced mental confusion. Quite frustrating. So many cross currents seem to be at work with a spousal loss.
I can now better sympathize with those who suffer the death of a husband/wife. It's only been a month so really what should I expect? The "rawness" is still there, and the strange quietness of the house when I'm here alone...always nearly expecting her voice. But knowing that is an impossibility and then the intellectual refusal to talk to her; she is not here. Not here. The thought seems so self contradictory..."she"...not here...in her own home. You see? An impossible demand; a command by the emotion to expect the "normal" but the "normal" is a "goneness" that is mystifying. Then the "brain" says, "no quit that...she is gone." Not just left me...even for another man...that would be easier I think. She is just gone.
The only consolation in a way, is I am convinced that "absence from the body is presence with the Lord" and that can console me when the extremes are working me over...overloading both sensation and reality. The reality. That insatiable reality will not leave me alone. I'm told again and again by wiser than me that time will take the edge off. OK. It's just been a month.
The "reality" is an "un-reality"....and that is so frustrating to deal with. Why can't the mind just control the emotions? It is what it is...now let's move on...would be the mind's command.
So is this depression...or still a bit of shock? The last two months were very hard. She died at home. In my arms. And I'm oddly proud of that. Interesting that I observe my most emotional moments come in recollecting what "we" went through during those final weeks. Is much of grief about "me" and not "her"... ? My mind wants to put it all into an analysis.
I was her "nurse" for about 15 hours a day and her sister the rest. So I saw it all. At the end she could not speak except to blink a "yes" at my questions..."do you want water?" "blink"...then I bring water. She could only walk with help and a walker for her to lean on. And she died taking a tour of the upstairs...she wanted her normal clothes on...and then we "walked" her holding the walker and I holding under her arms. She inspected upstairs bedrooms and then she had to sit down on the walker so I could push her back to her bed. While standing...ready to sit...she made dramatic eye contact ... eyes became like saucers...huge....I'd never seen that before ... in 29 years of marriage. I though somehow I'd hurt her, even though the eyes were not "grimacing" as if in pain ... no facial expression of pain and then, she fell into my arms. She was dead. Instantly.
She left over a period of two weeks, in dramatic downturn. And then died while standing. Just like her. She was a tiger. A very alive person.
So the unreality permeates..."she"... a most alive mate for all these years is not here any longer.
Many who write here to EC are facing dire situations and potential loss of a loved one ... we see that often on posts. And I sometimes have just glossed over the intensity between the lines; the desperation for help.
I will never be so glib; so quick to fire off some "answer" without sensing the hurt...the dawning of loss written in those lines.
So many who write to EC are in pain and are suffering. Those are emotions. So many have suffered for years; for decades.
I cannot fail to consider that suffering when I read their stories. Never again will I just focus on the "answer" without "feeling" their suffering....to some degree to empathize. At the tomb of Lazarus ..."Jesus wept."