One of Earth Clinic's readers recently requested a new page devoted to sexual abuse and has submitted feedback on the subject. This is an immensely uncomfortable subject, but we'd be interested in hearing your views on the subject. If you wish to remain anonymous, please enter "Anon" on the first name, city and state fields of the Contact Us form.
To keep this page from sinking into a dark abyss, ideally we'd like to receive feedback from people who have healed themselves from the trauma of sexual abuse.
Our readers offer information and opinions on Earth Clinic, not as a substitute for professional medical prevention, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult with your physician, pharmacist, or health care provider before taking any home remedies or supplements or following any treatment suggested by anyone on this site. Only your health care provider, personal physician, or pharmacist can provide you with advice on what is safe and effective for your unique needs or diagnose your particular medical history.
[YEA] 07/12/2012: Stacey from Abbotsford, Bc, Canada: "(For sexual abuse). Over the course of a year I did about 12-15 one-on-one sessions with a shamanic practictioner. Drug therapy is a bit of an controversial subject due to laws and such yet I kind of came across it totally by fate... as the experiences healed me in ways that I could not even have begun to imagine were possible.
I was molested by my grandfather from ages 3-5, raised by a schizophrenic mother, and raped by an ex boyfriend when I was 23. I had major issues and all the therapy in the world didn't seem to get me very far. On top of everything, I had major health problems and my life just fell apart. I came across shamanic healing and did private sessions.
The healing has been incredible and profound. I have such a naturally strong sense of boundaries now that wasn't evident before, I feel incredibly safe and emotionally strong in the world, which I had never felt before, and I was reunited with the fragmented soul pieces that got lost from the trauma, something I wish every survivor of abuse could experience as I now know a feeling of deep internal peace. I would highly recommend this type of spiritual therapy as nothing could ever come close to the depth of healing it can provide.
much love <3"Replies
07/16/2012: Timh from Louisville, Ky, Usa replies: "Stacey, great to hear of your healing w/ Shamanic Entheogen. We all know that disease occurs on many levels and thus healing must occur on those levels. Ayahuasca seems to be one potent whole body/mind healer. And w/ disease being beyond human species specific, DMT as well as Psilocybin, LSD, Mescaline have far reaching implications and potential. Following the 2000 death of Terrence McKenna and his pioneering work w/ psychotropic plant healers, the work continues. Simon Powell is cutting the edge w/ his global solutions w/ psychedelic mushrooms. Check out his 2003 documentary on YouTube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xfe7g-3Xuk. Here's a link to his w-site: http://www.simongpowell.com."
Emotional Freedom Technique
06/24/2011: Fiona from London, England: "I have seen this healing method in action and believe it is one of the most powerful tools available.
I hope you will try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and find peace."
10/30/2011: Anony from Anon: "Was molested by elder brother for few years between the ages of 8 & 11. Older sister's BF raped me when I was 12. Older sister-in-law's 23yr old brother raped me when I was 13. I was deathly afraid of my dad because my brother told me that if I told anyone than dad would kill me so I learnt to keep silent. I didn't like boys, kept to my books, was a bright student, got excellent grades. By high school I began to have nightmares. My parents couldn't understand why I was so afraid of being alone and why the nightmares. We lived on an island where children could go anywhere, walk and play safely anywhere but here I was assaulted over and over by people I knew.
At 18 I was raped by a co-worker that left me pregnant. I had a son but life became unbearable so one day I told my mom what happened and who did it. My dad went hunting for the person and beat him to the pulp but some villagers rescued him and later his family quickly shipped him to Canada. I began to have "episodes. " I would hide in my closet crying and screaming until exhaustion than fall asleep waking the next morning as if nothing was amiss. Everyone in my family treated me like I was gone crazy and I thought I had for the longest time, however I was still able to hold down good jobs that paid well but I kept to myself. I didn't trust anyone!
My family migrated to another country so we could begin a new life. I worked hard built a business, bought homes, got married at 23, and had 3 children. We had a fairly happy marriage until my third child was born then something began going snap.
My ex-husband claims that I became cold towards him, screamed in my sleep-waking up in sweats, walked in my sleep and even drove away in my car in my nightie in the middle of the night. Marriage ended in divorce because he didn't believe me when I would tell him I found myself sleeping in my car by the ocean each time that happened. What I didn't tell him was that I was pulled out of the ocean twice by strangers. I have no recollection of walking into the water.
I became severly depressed after my marriage broke up so I wanted to commit suicide. I accidently watched Billy Graham preaching on TV about Jesus Christ loving us so I called for prayer. They sent me a Bible in the mail. That was 22 years ago and needless to say I have read and studied the Bible from cover to cover and began believing every word written in that Holy book about me. I discovered who I am, have forgiven each one of those sin-sick people who violated me, my parents for not protecting me (they had no clue about the other assaults).
By the way, I had tried counseling @ $45/session for a year, anti-depressants, hypnotherapy, yoga-meditation, consulted with several pychics, tarot card readers, astrologers, yogis, went to ashram in India, visited different professionals looking for help but nothing worked. Two -Three years into reading the Holy Bible and praying daily I was free of the nightmares, sleepwalking, depression, eating disorder, irritable bowel syndrome, and other problems.
Half of my life was stolen from me but the later years to now has been very fulfilling and peaceful. I went to college, earned a degree, became an advocate for victims of sexual abuse, started my own business (2), a non-profit organization, am active in my community, travel quite a bit for pleasure and for business, love and cherish my family, friends, my country and God.
I have been healed, made whole and empowered to enjoy life. When I testify to victims of sexual abuse my ordeals they can't believe I have been a victim. I have learned to trust again and take some chances in life."Replies
10/30/2011: Lisa from Kenosha, Wi replies: "What great story.... Very inspirational and promising."
10/30/2011: Loraine from Orlando, Fl replies: "To: Anony from Anon: I am sitting here on a quiet Sunday morning browsing through EC when I came upon your post. I have to say 'What an inspiring post'. I needed to be reminded of The Lord's awesome power and I have to say your post did it for me. Thank you so much. I know many people would gain courage and strength after reading this the same way I did. God bless you and your family always and once again thank you for sharing this wonderful story of survival."
10/30/2011: P from Middle, Fl replies: "A beautyful happily ever after! Xoxo"
05/02/2013: Btybr from Everywhere, Usa replies: "The mind is amazing, a lady who counselled me for many years was raped and tortured by her father and unaware to her, she developed Splitting of her personality into many fragments. When her kids were teens, she went off the deep end, the personalities did not know each other and her family became concerned about her exteme behaviors and had her committed for 6 months. While there, she bagan to learn her personality had spit into fragments and manifested these different aspects of who she was. One was a prude and very careful, another would take risk and act suggestive. One was sweet and another angry.
She had to learn to pull them back together and went on to earn a degree from a Christian college and counselled many women and taught on how to overcome trauma. She held the light for me at the end of the tunnel for many years while I was in deep darkness and dispair.
I was also seeing a psychologist and taking parenting classes at the college along with self esteem class and art classes, because all work and no play will kill you. Creativity heals the mind, the spirit and the body.
I spent a lot of time looking for answers and found a group of incest OVERCOMERS at the YMCA. I also read every incest book at the library and there weren't many at that time. I read psychology books and self help books and health books.
I also participated in a group therapy with a specialist in incest recovery, with a group of women, who never did tell their mothers. I think that telling your mother is the beginning of finding your voice. At the end of that group, I told my mother. When I joined that group, I thought they would help me get courage to tell my mother, but instead they fought my plans, because of their own inability to tell their moms.
Keeping a lie does not help anyone. I never told my family to protect their lives, while it destroyed mine. When I told them... They couldn't change and I had to move on, by myself and live my life. I can only change myself and I wasn't willing to take medicine just to stay in the family while they kept doing what they always did. Live the lie and not own the problems.
Neither did they help me work through the 25 year long nightmare. I later came to put pieces together that mom knew the whole time, and that was the wedge that was always between her, my sis, also a victim and me.
I also read a lot of books and participated in a boundaries group with a tape series and workbook.
I did end up on medicine on and off , and battled the demons, but I would say, I won . Did a lot of exercise and vitamins and diet. I prayed a lot and God sent people to me, who prayed for me and encouraged me and counselled me. They would come out of nowhere and stay for a decade or more and then another would show up in my life. He has carried my sorrows and restored my joy."
05/04/2013: Mary from Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada replies: "Thank you for your story, it was helpful to me."
05/04/2013: Love Pitbulls from Providence, R.I. replies: "You are a survivor, you will go on to now believe that there is help, there are people who listen. For too long, children who said they were abused were not believed. Don't stop telling your story, you can never know how many people you have already helped, gave the courage to speak out, and let them know they are not alone."
05/04/2013: Broken China from Glue Please?, Usa replies: "My Story is like yours, the losses are many. I can hardly begin to name them all, let alone count them. I lost a good portion of my early life. My parents lost their daughter and theirselves. I don't remember having a relaonship with mom before or after dad started molesting me at 5. My mother was a screaming woman, who could get her way by intimidation or by making you feel guilty for being alive. If provoked she could become physically dangerous.
I felt like a sinner with enough guilty feelings for evey sin ever committed. I felt like it was my fault. I tried to hide from dad and escape his grasp, but I couldn't yell or humpty dumpty would fall off the wall and he couldn't be put back together again.
Since my silence kept dad and his income from going to jail. That was dad's "hook" from day one, to keep his child in secrecy as his victim. I worried about everything. My mom and my brothers would be devastated.
It was very confusing to decide what to do. Mom gave birth to my last brother the week it began. Over the next decade of abuse on top of abuse from them both, I decided mom would pity my father and she would never be able to forgive me.
Years went by as I lost my health and peace of mind. I turned from God and turned to drugs to numb the pain and drown out the memories. As a child I told the priest in the confessional, he said call the police ( I already knew from day one I couldn't ). As a teen I told my mom's mother after I had stopped the physical part of the abuse. No one rescued me. The emotional abuse went on another decade.
I got married had a child and stopped using drugs, but then it all came flooding over me in waves of despair and grief. Confusion and panics with nightmares. Sickness. Overwhelming emotions of every sort.
I no longer felt guilty for being alive, but life seemed confusing and scary for me. Why did dad molest me? Was it me ?
I turned back to God in the pit of my sufferring and he was faithful. I can say it has been painful , but life has reached the sweet spot, where it is mostly good. God talking in my head , changing my heart, healing my memories, and showing up and showing off!
Praise God ....!!!
I know"why I was molested". I was dad's drug of choice. Like an alcoholic or a gambler, the emotions run high, endorphens, chemicals in the body and brain were relieving him of his feeling of low self or worthlessness or some sort of chemical deficiency .
As his addiction grew he had to take more risk with the element of someone seeing or hearing or finding out, as my trauma was ramped up . I begged. I pleaded. But NO. He couldn't hear me, see me , feel for me. At 15 I told him,
touch me one more time and I WILL TAKE MY LIFE and YOU will live with it the rest of yours
I was horoine, he still propositioned me for a decade , but never touched me again. Years later when I was stronger I brought his sin into the open to all the family and it all stopped. 25 yrs. Living the lie for someone elses addiction. CODEPENDENT NO MORE!"
05/05/2013: Btybr from Everywhere, Usa replies: "In my neighborhood on my street, dead end with a circle we lived on. Next door beat their children drank and shot their dog. The other side, I thought they were out of their minds too. Their cousins lived on the same street and I went there one day and the kids pulled out polaroids of what they were going through sexually. Their dad beat them with the hose if the floors weren't clean enough to eat off of. I was so shocked. They didn't know I was being abused. I still never told them. The house across from them, grandpa was molesting the daughter, he lived with them. Down the road a large family, the father molested the girls and sent the boys outside to play. One road in a neighborhood of insanity. People always shared their secrets with me but I didn't share mine. I do now but that's different.
My dads brother came to visit on holidays from prison, he molested his son. My dad's other brother molested everyone... His kids, neices , nephews, everyone. He molested me as a 6 month old, my 2 yr. old brother, 4 yr. old sister and folks kicked him out when sis told on him. Then dad started molesting us later. His family campouts were like dodgeball , trying to keep from being touched or propositioned. His two sisters married perverts who molested their kids and those kids tried to molest us.
My mom's family was weird too. We went to visit one and were told to stay clear of the uncle. He was aggressive, put his hand on my thigh, in front of the adults. Kids had to run. He got drunk and stomped three neighbor cats to death , we heard them as we slept out front in our trailer.
MY WEIRD SHITOMETER WAS FLYING OFF THE CHARTS with no sanity in sight. Read the paper and cousin was listed as a local pedophile most likely to reoffend. You have to be on guard or their hand touches you or their lips..... Y. U. K.!
So don't think in lovely AMERICA land of the free that kids are free , it's just hidden from daylight. So lets shed some light on this evil and talk about it and set some captives FREE."
05/06/2013: Btybr from Everywhere, Usa replies: "For me, I have learned to counsel the child in me as if I were counselling a child in front of me going through living hell. You do have to counsel based on the knowledge that many children in foster care are being severely abused. On my street there was a foster family and they had a lot of kids of their own and then the foster kids. On the holidays, the foster kids were outside cleaning the yard and working, while their kids were inside celebrating.
No place to cry is a book about a woman who was tortured in foster care. Very sad.
Kids are tortured by the house of God. I counselled a girl who was molested by the youth leader and she went on to molest her brother.
Then later she was 14 ended up in a relationship with an adult boy and ran away, got pregnant, had a child, married him while he was being prosecuted for taking a minor out of state, and then later the relationship fell apart because she was a child. Then she got into drugs and then more trauma happened. This is where she met me, I was selling a house. She stole for drugs, got put in jail and the last time she got out, she O.D. and that was the end. She wanted help, but it was so complicated and there was no system in place for her. She took heroine, OXy and dalotted. Sp... not sure what it is! She had so much trauma it was hard to find the spot to work on.
You can only help other victims as they will allow you, you can't force help on them.
For young children it is best if the family can be healed and not broken apart. The child may go from a bad situation to a worse one, because of being placed somewhere for protection."
12/28/2009: Heather from Seattle, Wa, Usa: "Everyone here is so courageous to speak of the abuses they've experienced. I didn't experience sexual abuse during childhood, but did grow up in volatile, abusive, and traumatic households... I'm 26 now, and I've gone to therapy for much of my life to try to process the emotional trauma. Despite good intentions of all who've helped me, I have still struggled with the ramifications of my upbringing, although lately it's seemed to get exponentially better. I want to share with you what has worked best for me.
I have read many books on emotional growth over the years, and I have found some helpful tools for coping on my own (without a professional). These tools come in books, and they have helped me get back in the driver's seat of my own life. Healing is all about reclaiming personal power, and using it for good.
The books I recommend are:
Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal, by Belleruth Naparstek
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, by Carol Truman
Radical Forgiveness, by Colin Tipping
'Feelings Buried Alive' sat on my book shelf for 3 years before I had the courage to read it. When I did, I was so grateful I didn't wait another day.
This last book was also a tricky one for me, at first... People pay a lot of lip service to forgiveness, but no one really explained HOW to do it in a way I could understand. No one differentiated between the degree of personal relationships and forgiveness: I can forgive a friend for lying, but that is a totally different process than forgiving a caretaker for being deliberately destructive. 'Radical Forgiveness' is a great tool for understanding forgiveness, and using it for healing and growth. You can feel tangible peace within your body while following his suggestions (same with both of the other author's books), and you can see how your life changes over the days, weeks and months of using it. Journaling your inner life is especially important during the healing process, if anything to chart your progress when you feel like nothing is helping. I find journaling to be as relieving as talking to a therapist. I've been using all three books (along with journaling) steadily for the past 2 years with great benefit. They harmonize very well with talk therapy, too.
Eating healthy foods (especially fats from pastured animal protein!) will support your nervous system with the nutrients it needs to stay healthy, which usually is the first to go after experiencing trauma (I struggle with Adrenal Exhaustion due to many years of chronic emotional stress and a vegetarian diet that did not nutritionally support my (developing) biological stress coping system). Emotional health is intertwined with your physical health, and supporting your nervous system via nutrient rich foods is critical for the healing process.
Be Brave and embrace this opportunity to heal! It's the most incredible task a human can do with their life, and your healing journey will be fruitful as it will help others along the way. Sometimes I think that people who grow up traumatized are the luckiest people on earth! If they choose to embark on the healing journey, they may eventually discover that they are inherent Healers; to heal Others requires the ability to heal Oneself. Would we have discovered that aspect of the self without the traumatic experiences? I know my trauma has changed me in a very good way, and while I still seek to heal it, I learn so much about humanity and our Earth and the nature of life and I am grateful for the education I am getting from this! "It's making me a better person", because I choose it to do so.
Best of luck."Replies
12/29/2009: Anonymous from Anonymous, Anonymous replies: "I, like you Heather, never had any sexual abuse, nor was I physically abused. My abuse came in the form of mental abuse.
My mother and father always treated me different from my sister. She always had their support for anything in her life. I on the other hand was always told how bad of a person, I was. This still continues today and I am now 36 years old. I can't really get into everything, For I would not be able to write it into three books. Yes that much.
I guess the most hurtful part was being told that I was crazy. My sister got pregnent when she was only 16 years old, I at that time was 12. My parents took on my sister, her husband and child as if they were their responsibility. They purchased them a house and placed on their land and pretty much paid their bills.
I was pretty much forgotten about. My parents stopped raising me and I just existed at 12 years old. This is where the mental abuse began. I started doing my own thing and started some partying. I would drink alcohol, ( Provided by my parents ) openly in front of anyone and would come and go as I pleased. Never really got into any trouble, Just was a wild child.
I guess the effects of this drinking and what not took its effect on my young brain. I had trouble holding jobs after the age of 18. I could not cope with stress or get along with the people I worked with. From 16 to 18, I worked at a local grocer and these people were like my new family. At age 18, I got involved with a woman that was 33 that I worked with. After falling completly in love with this woman and having her do me wrong, I did the only thing I could think to do. Quit the job, that I loved and leave behind my new family. I could not bare to continue working there with her working there. ( Since she married another guy ) I felt as though my world was ending, She was my first and only true love at the time. When I confided in my mother and told her of my decision to leave that job. She reacted with total hatred and called me horrible names. She told me I was a loser and a chicken you know what blankedy blank. I was total devasted. Everything I loved, I had just lost and now my mom was calling me all these names and telling me I was crazy.
The abuse just continued and was multiplied by my sister for all these years since. My mother, father and my sister have sabotoged my now wife and my careers. They have spread rumurs about us to people and told conflicting things to the each of us to try and break our marriage up. (stirring the pot, you might say )as if live doesn't have enough hurdles, I am faced with my family as a true enemy. Again, it would take me 3 long books to tell all.
About 5 years ago, It hit its peak and my relationship with my family is almost none existent now. This was when my wife was pregnant with our second child. Again, I went to my mother with the happy news that we were going to have another baby, to which she replied " I hope the hell not " I will never forget those words as long as I live. From there it got worse, My mother would tell my first born that we didn't love her and fill her head with lies. ( My daughter has many physcological scars from this ) We have had to take her to therapist, who have told us to get her away and keep her away from my side of the family.
I have forgiven my family many times before and I can not even began to tell you how many times. What I wrote here is a small fraction of what they have done to me and my family. I just don't know if I have another FORGIVE IN MY HEART. Everytime I forgive them, they do something to hurt us again. And there is nothing I can do to change them, this is just the way they are.
I told my best friend, that I believe my mother always wanted me dead, but she just didn't have the guts to kill me quikly. Instead she choose to do it slowly over a life time."
12/29/2009: Tim from Calgary, Alberta, Canada replies: "When you are a child, you don't have the option to stay away from people who abuse you (whether it's physical, mental, emotional, etc.). Fortunately, as an adult, you can make choices - which may not be popular with other family members, but sometimes courageous decisions need to be made. Your abusive family have started the cycle of abuse on your own children (telling your child you don't love her, etc. and who now needs a therapist). You mentioned that there is nothing you can do to change them - you're right. The only thing you can do is stay away from poisonous people (regardless of who they are) - not only for your sake but for the sake of your children. Stay strong and know that you are worthy of loving relationships."
01/10/2010: Duchess from Spokane, Usa replies: "I am recommending the book by Drs. Townsend and Clark titled "Boundaries, How to Say No and Take Control of Your Life." This book has helped me in so many areas of my life from dealing with a parent who is controlling and the effects of the trauma of sexual abuse from two of my brothers and neighbors as a child. I am a Christian and so not wanting to offend this book and the book entitled "Confronting the Jezebel Spirit" by Steve Sampson have helped me greatly. But if you are not Christian, they might offend as they are "Christian-oriented"."
01/15/2010: Michael from Woodburn, Oregon replies: "Minor edit to the aforementioned book. "Boundaries" is a great book, and I completely agree with the recommendation. The authors names are Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Published by Zondervan. Great information for anyone in an abusive situation."
08/15/2009: Leeola23 from Owosso, Michigan, USA: "Sexual Abuse Healing
I was sexually abused as a preteen and teenager by my step father. Though he never actually raped me, I have undergone immense trauma. He would often touch me in places he shouldn't have, even in front of my mom, starting at age 11. He often had inappropriate phone conversations with me. He often saw me as a younger version of my mom. When I was 15 he tried to rape me and I thankfully was strong enough to fight him off and call the police. He apparently does not recollect the incident and denies it and says he was on drugs. My mother didn't believe me and to this day is still with him. I was forced to "pretend" it never happened and wasn't allowed to talk about it. I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the first 3 years after leaving. It didn't help matters I was put in foster care. I have been though counseling, antidepressants, multiple suicide attempts, with 2 hospitalizations and no justice.
Today I am 20 years old. I am engaged to a wonderful and understanding man. I have learned how to forgive and learn what forgiveness really means (Not Forgetting). I also had to get though to myself that I was not at fault. I didn't ask to be abused. I still must see my step father when I want to see my mom and at family gatherings. I do not let it bother me, for if I did it would mean he would win. I will not let him victimize me. Believe me, forgiving him is the hardest thing I've EVER had to to in my entire life! But look at it this way - I didn't do it for him, I did it for ME!"
08/16/2009: Annette from Cuy Falls, Oh replies: "You are 100% right and free indeed! Blessings always!"
08/18/2009: Pittipat from Boaz, Al replies: "I just wanted to say you are such an inspiration to me and should be to others. You have learned such a valuable lesson in your young years. I kept those hurts inside for a long time and they will drive you crazy, or worse, ruin your life. I am so glad you found a wonderful person to share your life with and understands what you have been thru. Hold you head up high, live a fabulous life, and whenever you have the chance, pay it forward."
12/25/2009: Joyce from Joelton, Tn. replies: "Hello Leeola from Owoso,
You must have met some helpful person/s along the way to help you understand that this was something done to you, not something you did. How I wish there were a magic wand to wave to remove the anguish you must have suffered when your mother did not believe you and chose to remain with the one who abused you, leaving you to be shifted through foster care. Hopefully they were less traumatic than home must have been for you during those years of sexual abuse.
Forgiving is not always easy, and forgetting is impossible. I get the feeling that you still do not feel comfortable in your abusers presence. If this is so, please stop subjecting yourself to being in his presence. What I would like to see in this section of EC is letting it be your forum, raise your voice and tell us (society) what the system is doing to you the way it is now.
Have you ever talked with your mother about what it did to you? If not, and you feel that confrontation is too much, sometimes just writing them a letter, expressing all the emotional turmoil and trauma it caused you helps, even if you burn it instead of mailing it. In your case it might help if you ended that letter with an explanation that you have forgiven her for not believing you also, and only if you want to continue the relationship with her, tell her that you do but you prefer to not have to deal with any kind of relationship with this abuser in the future.
This is your choice and you should not to be forced to endure his presence in order to see other family members. No one should be forced to endure the presence of someone who has abused them and makes them uncomfortable."
12/25/2009: Joyce from Joelton, Tn replies: "Hello Pattipat from BoaZ,
Many of us are in the same position you are, or trying to repress those memories of abuse. After watching what happens to many of these children in court, I have to question if our keeping quiet, wasn't less traumatic than what happens to the child brave enough to report it. The present way of handling the sexual abuse complaint by putting the abused child through a trial in juvenile court first, especially when the verdict there means nothing, since the child is put through another trial in criminal court. There is no point in putting an abused child through the first trial if the verdict of guilty there carries no penalty or sentence for the abusive behavior. If this trial is necessary, then let it be the only trial when the guilty verdict is returned against the perpetrator.
The beautiful part of it is that although we were silent when it happened to us, we don't have to remain silent forever. Let your abuser know that should he ever be accused of sexual abuse of another person, he will see you in the courtroom and you will testify that he is capable of it because he abused you however long ago it occurred. This should give your abuser second thoughts should he ever contemplate abusing another child."
12/26/2009: Jae from Baltimore, Md replies: "Forgiveness if key. Holding on to anger, over a situation you couldn't control will only hurt you. Studies have shown that unforgiveness is toxic to the human body. Let Go and Let God do the rest."
06/30/2009: anon from anon, anon: "Sorry for all the people whom has been robbed of themselves. I almost was molested during my youth (maybe 6yrs) by my best friends grandpa, thank god for another best friend of mine to help get me out the situation! Still didnt understand what was happening, until my mother & father explained to me, then i was scared of all men. got extreamly nervous when i was alone with them, you see boys & men never stopped being perverted; however i came to learn that to each is own... not every body was that way, i've met many more men whom would never ever be that way with a woman... that helped me see every one as individual... unfortunatly we come across rouge people in life whom seem to be extreamly influenced by the devil himself...So what i strongly suggest is get influence by its counter, more mighter polar opposite part... GOD! With him by your side, i'd assure you there is no loosing! Trust me.. I got over the distrust i have in all people and apply per individual according to how they make me feel... But whatever you do; dont allow them the importance of putting that burden on you for the rest of your life... If someone steeled money from you, would you stop working so they dont steel from you again... This selfish people robbed something from you, but dont stop living, get yourself back and make it better... And as for the thieves of innocence, God has them covered, dont worry yourself! i reall y hope at some point in life you all can come to peace with yourself, until then, God Bless You all!"
05/18/2009: Anon from Anon, Anon: "when i was small i was molested. my uncle would take me out for ice cream and then would molest me. adults and kids were not understanding or kind then (late 50's) i was blamed for doing something to him, 6 or 7 yrs old. a girl in school claimed i sexually assaulted her (lied). i was beaten, put on medications, labeled a monster at school, picked on incessantly ,wasn't allowed to socialize with other kids, besides being a sexual abuse victim. other kids were protecting their brothers and sisters from me, but i just had to take whatevercame my way. at the time i didn't understand what sex was or what was happening or what the charges were against me. i was just too young. all this stigma followed me thru high school, that i had "different impulses" through all my growing up years i was put on immense stress, mentally and physically. i had horrible nightmares, phobias, anxiety attacks.several nervous breakdowns. i learned not to trust people. i never married. i don't really care. in my 20's i decided my mental and physical well being were the most important things.and to this day it still is. i won't put myself in any situations where i'm uncomfortable. i have social avoidance, don't care to be around people. i'd like to know of someone who was molested that was healed by one or two concerned parents, social worker. in my case i had none."
EC: Thank you so much for your feedback. Much appreciated.
05/19/2009: Anon from Anon, Anon replies: "I'm sorry to hear about that! I also was molested but i was 5 yrs old, my brothers friend spent the night he was around 15 yrs old, and thats when it happened in my house, in my room, and i couldnt say anything! Till this day i have never told my parents or my brother in fear of (I dont know?) Both my parents have passed on and my brother also so how i deal with this? Well everybody is different but i put it in back of my mind yes it comes back sometimes but now im married with 3 children, cause i will not let him(the molester) ruin my whole life! I was messed up when i was little i stuttered really bad had speech thearapy, parents took me to shrinks, wanted to know why i had so much anger but i still hung on to my secret. My husband knows and is very understanding with me but i pretty much lead a normal life now! try and put it behind u and move on! God Bless!"
05/20/2009: Anon from Somewhere, NV replies: "Please go online and go to www.emofree.com This is a tapping technique that really works wonders.It's called EFT: emotional freedom technique....It is very helpful. You can get free info on this!"
12/25/2009: Joyce from Joelton, Tn replies: "Hello Anon from Anon,
The problem with spending your lifetime trying to repress the memory of that abuse is that it doesn't help you figure out why you didn't put up a fight or make a racket to bring others in to rescue you.
Until you can look at the why's, you can not effectively protect your own children, grandchildren or any child from being abused as you were.
When we realize that we kept quiet first, from the shock of what was happening, second, because we had been told so often to mind the older child, sibling, sitter or relative, and third, because we were afraid no one would believe us, and fourth, because we knew it would hurt some others we loved if it was a relative that abused us.
When we take the time to really try to analyze the situation, we are faced with the above and the knowledge that we had no trouble rebuffing someone close to our own age, but the problem comes when the abuser is usually 6 or more years older than we were.
This knowledge puts us in a better position to protect other children because we know the danger is from an abusive older child or adult."
05/17/2009: Anonymous from USA: "For all of you who are interested in the statistical aspects of, or the definition of child sex abuse, all of these are readily available on line, so we won't waste time and space on that here. My definition of child sex abuse is an alarming escalation and growth of a festering social abscess or boil growing at incredible speed and it is time that we try to lance this abscess, drain it and turn the tide to stop child abuse, if we can. The last time I looked up the FBI profile of the child sex abuser it was white, middle-aged, well to do, married with children. From all the the information gleaned from the media, they come from all walks of life, lower socio-economic group to the highest one. From all areas including priest, ministers, doctors, lawyers, judges, and all other trades and careers. In most cases the child molester is a family member or a very close friend of the family, or a caregiver. Let's dig deep into this abscess, trying to understand why and how it happens. I have wasted a lot of years trying to totally repress the memory of the life changing molesting. Don't, it can't be done. I have spent the last 5 years letting it remain without trying to repress it, but trying instead to understand why and how it happens and feel that I have found a few of the answers. Let's share our ideas and see if it can be lanced and drained.
Next thing to tackle is setting the child molester who was quoted as saying, "none of them ever told me no" straight. Did you never wonder why they didn't? Have you never thought about anything except your self gratification? Conclusion from the last few years of pondering this situation have produced some answers. They did not say No because they didn't know they could. They had been told too many times to mind an older sibling, care taker, grandfather, or others, both male and female. This is why it happens because we parents unwittingly set our children up to be molested by telling them to mind their elders, older siblings, etc but forget to tell them anytime someone makes them uncomfortable with even an inappropiate touch on body parts normally covered by clothing, to come to them immediately or any other adult except the one who is making them uncomfortable. No apology for my emotions showing through when I say HOW DARE YOU. You poor excuse for a human being, child molester. HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO SHIFT THE GUILT FOR YOUR SHAMEFUL, CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR to your victim? THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. They also didn't say no because they were shocked and stunned beyond words at what you were doing to them, you who were supposed to love them are doing this to them and they are shocked and stunned beyond words.
Fortunately my molesting was a one time thing. I personally know how traumatic the one time occurrence is, but would like to give a voice to those survivors who are the biggest heroes of all, those who survived continuous sexual abuse starting at an age when no child should be exposed to sexual abuse. I want to give you a voice to tell the world, especially your molester, what it does to you emotionally, from its beginning to its end. Tell us what message it gives you and how devastating it is when society rapes you again by setting your molester free to harm another child because there were no witnesses. Tell us how even more devastating it has to be when your mother chose to live with your molester, turning you over to be a ward of the court. The message I want to give to those who had this happen, the problem and shame is not yours - your mother is not a mother, and looking from my angle she is even worse than the one who molested you.
The supposed to be mother who held her l0 or l2 year old daughter down while her significant other raped her daughter because she wanted his baby but was unable to have one, is not a mother, she is a poor excuse for one. Tell us how traumatic it is to go through a trial in juvenile court which does nothing but increase your emotional stress, which is already running on overload, only to learn that although your molester was found guilty it means nothing because you must now go through another trial for the same in civil court. If the juvenile court has no teeth, lets eliminate that stressful step for the child, if it does nothing but keep the lawyers and judges at work while increasing the child's stress level. Doing this to the child should never happen.
Seldom does the molester willingly take a polygraph or lie detector test in a child molesting case. Seems if they knew they were innocent they would be beating the doors to the polygraph office down to prove their innocense. There are two people involved here and if given the chance most victims would jump at the chance to take one to quickly remove their greatest fear, THAT NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THEM! Give them that chance if they want it but also change the law to make this evidence available to the court, because BECAUSE IF THE CHILD IS TELLING THE TRUTH, HIS OR HER MOLESTER OBVIOUSLY IS LIEING! One victim said (about possible polygraph test) "I have no problem with that as long as it doesn't involve needles". If we could succeed in this, many cases would never go to court because the molester would change his plea to guilty.
No matter what age you are now or at what age it occurred, no matter whether it was reported or went unreported, if you are a survivor of child sexual abuse let us make your voice heard. Please take time to put your feelings on paper or online to earthclinic.com and they will be forwarded. Your words will not be changed except to possibly remove anything that might make your identity known.
Our wish is to remain anonymous, not because there is any shame for you to bear, but you will understand at the end of this attempt to reverse the escalating trend. Give us as much detail as you wish, but our effort here is to help the molester and the world to understand what his molesting has done to you emotionally with his repeated abuse. Maybe a few of them can still be reached and become a better human being and stop molesting children. You might want to put it in the form of a letter to your abuser, telling about the nightmares and all the other emotional damage he has done to you.
We are also open to trying to understand what makes someone a child molester. If you are one, share your story if you care to but trying to shift guilt for your shameful acts to your victims will not be tolerated. If we see faulty reasoning in your story, we will point it out."Replies
05/25/2009: Anon from Anon, Anon replies: "My reason for responding here is to gain some insight into how other victims have learned to stop being the victim. I've been labeling myself the "victim" for years now and I believe I'm holding myself down with this title. I want to move on, I want to feel free, I want it to stop affecting me. I want my fiance to be able to make love to me without me feeling dirty or guilty or used."
09/24/2009: Anonanon from Anon, Usa replies: "You are not a victim. You are a Survivor. Survivors are strong. Former victims, now Survivors, are the strongest because you have not let it consume or reduce you into a zombie. Just by reading these posts means you have broken the shackles of victimhood and donned the mantle of Survivor.
This is an awesome emotional cleanser.
Buy a notebook or diary or paper that appeals to you. Buy a pen that will be use ONLY to write in that book or on that paper.
Whichever memory leaps out at your first that makes you feel in any way uncleanupset, write it down. Then write down why you feel that way. Be descriptive. Write down everything that your mind and heart remember.
Do not worry if you cry. Crying is good, it heals too.
Then tear the pages out and go someplace where you can burn them.(common sense disclaimer when burning things) I always burned mine in a metal bowl. Do NOT save the ashes, bury them or throw them in the wind or flush them or find water to scatter them. I had to do this several times for some memories, until they did not hurt so much. When I could go over the memory without it causing the ache and tears and confusion then I knew that I was healing a little bit.
To me the paper represented my soul, the pen was my emotions, and the ink was the stain. The fire was cleansing. The ashes, the tiny bit of my soul, was now clean and released in it's pure form to come back to me.
You cannot do this all at once or it can cause severe depression episodes, this takes time. In my case about 10 years. I could only handle doing this method once a month because it is intense.
At first I had no control over my mental/emotional upheaval and what felt like, fracturing. Then I learned to write it down, but was so afraid someone would find it. But I had to write it down to get it out of my mind and off of my soul.
After you scatter the ashes take a shower, it helps wash the emotional residue off. Mental visulation is an incredible tool.
I hope this helps, even if it is just one Survivor that can make use of this method."
12/25/2009: Joyce from Joelton, Tn replies: "Congratulations to Anonanon from anon,
It sounds like you have successfully traversed that long emotional path from victim to SURVIVOR. It isn't easy to stop blaming yourself for letting that happen to you and to put the blame for the misconduct where it belongs. Your writing it all down, even though you burned it, is one route to go.
But in the end, the project here is to try to put an end to child sexual abuse, and you have the upper hand here even if you kept silent all those years ago. If confrontation of your abuser isn't possible, and if he or she is still living, then type out the words, such as "MY SILENCE HAS ENDED. IF EVER I HEAR OF YOU SEXUALLY ABUSING ANYONE AGAIN, I WILL BE IN COURT TO TESTIFY THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF IT!" and mail it to them. This should give them second thoughts before abusing another child in the future. Decreasing abuse of children is what this is all about.
The best and least traumatic solution heard of yet is a young woman who wrote into a "sob columnist" who stated that she had been raped by an older brother at an early age and had told her parents about it. The parents then confronted the brother and made him aplogize to her. She wrote because she was engaged to be married and was questioning the wisdom of telling the young man about it because, although she and her brother were alright about it now, she was afraid that it would create a problem between the brother and the prospective husband. Sounds like the problem here was solved within the family with less trauma for everyone than going through the court system with it. I don't think the wise young woman's attitude would have been so genial toward the the brother if he had ever tried abusing her again. I suspect after the parents finished talking with him, he never abused any child again."
02/14/2010: Anu from Slc, Ut replies: "The undeniable truths between the growing human organism and its environment that becomes its Merit/motive/nature/causation and its reasons to seek glory/ adapt / cope/abdicate its life captivates me. Consequently comprehension of life lived/suffered/endured etc. is what I endeavor to identify within others and my self.
It can be said whether one is prey or predator, activist or militant, fighter or lover ones dysfunctions are individually dictated by the raw self that reside within. After all, when a being comes to the purpose of death it only has its self. Subsequently in that moment of death there is no society to discern good/bad/right/ wrong/ for that being, the very infrastructures of life that being spends time in and allows it to shape its peramiters proves to be a false friend by removing its animations/functioning leading to fatality. I hope we all stand brave and allow for what we know not induce its uncertainties. For that reason I feel if we resolve the hurt, sadness, oppressions ones mortal presence has encountered during the journey of its life; the individual will have more room to add meaning in whatever it encounters in death .
I see now that at various points of the life my oppressor lived he was also oppressed. Although I do not know specifics of who, what, when, where and why's of his subjugation; I do know that it caused him to deviate. Hence it's evident that he to like his victims stood pray to someone/something. Please note I am not saying that sexual /emotional/psychical abuses is then justified or deserving; nevertheless just as the truths of a victim are acknowledged dually the truths of its predator having once been innocent of any crime is relavent. even if the inccocence was only in him for a fraction of a second , it still was thir. if one can see this then it allows one to gain perspective. For me that perspective has allowed me to weep for what was taken form him . Accepting that virtue has resided in all even those that hurt is to lay a keystone in emancipation form the pain endured.
I didn't get concepts of sexual abuse as child because I was a child. I even looked forward to seeing the oppressor. He was my friend, he made time with him fun. He rewarded (ice cream) me for "playing" with him. When I would here that we were going over to the house. I looked forward to it because I had fun, consequently, my caretakers didn't know. After some time he moved with his wife (who was friends with my care taker (nanny) for a job. I never saw him again.
Growing up and becoming an adult obviously made me aware that what had happened to me is not normal for all little girls. The deception of his actions held the consequences that caused me to introvert and shy away from sexuality for a very long time. He had marked me and fooled me. I blamed him for a failed marriage; I hated him so much that it was destroying my ability to trust men at all. In college I took psychology hoping and praying that I'd be able to figure out the "why" I found many explanations on the cycle of abuse as the causation.... however it didn't take away the hurt. Reasons to the "why" came and went just as the seasons in my life had. I kept on my search I exhausted my self that lead to a host of other issues. then one day I was kicked in the face by me.... My self was broken , I kept breaking her further by the incessant need for the WHY..
She who spoke up inside of me helped my functioning brain realize that the "why" he did what he did was not important, as there could be infinite numbers of reasons. When I stopped looking for the why/ why me ... I also stopped blaming and using him as a reason for my inhibitions. I got tired of hating him I suppose, this allowed me to open my eyes to the fact that he too like me was oppressed, he too hurt, and he too was stuck. I chose to concentrate on not hating him for what he had done to me, I chose in its place to see the man in him that is being kept alive just to be murdered over and over again(due to his actions ). I chose to open my eyes to the fact that oppressions no matter what form it takes or adjective it uses to conceal its nature it is the inherent toxin to the existence in me. Just as i supplement my body with nutrients (I have learned about from this AMAZING SITE) I must equally fortify my soul. I choose to fortify it with compassion. This is not because I'm saintly but because I'm not. I can see in me that I have also oppressed many things (including my inner being) in my world, some out of ignorance, some out of dysfunction/hate/sadness/shame/guilt/and simply by being in existence. I can't deny that I am more knowledge because of my abuse. I now view those events in my life as something I've defused by loving and understanding the little girl I was (who I feel kicked me causing me to wake up). I've stop being angry with her because it was never about her...the little girl that was me could have been any little girl. Opression need no reason for manifesting.
Accordingly Emancipation lie in the ability of love in witch there are no absolutions. Conclusively just as fragments of light fight to shine in darkness, it is that darkness that defines sight of that light. I hope to all who read this understand that I am not condoning the actions of those who have hurt you or me. I am merely and hopelessly trying to help people heal by sharing my accounts of the measures that healed me. Yet healing is a life long process. Understanding and applying these concepts to my life in various areas, I feel, prepare me for the moment my existence will be exposed to my demise. I anticipate I will be able to stand as my being and fear not when all the infrastructures I attached to my self come crumbling down. I hope that when death happens I can look back at time spent in life and thank her/it for the knowledge she imparted on my being.
05/02/2013: Btybr from Everywhere, Usa replies: "Life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you are going to face next or how you willl move on with your next decision but there is light and love and we can recover, one day at a time.
I have a story like yours but for now I can say from years of working through things that a lot of what goes on is repeating of old programming. You can stop the nightmare cycle with YOU, so no one else has to keep repeating it.
Recognizing the patterns, helps with breaking them. Journaling helps you look at how far you have come. Reward yourself for courage and bravery to deal with it instead of trying to just brush it under the rug and tough it out, when really it will kill you if you don't deal with it.
Getting the anger onto the paper and out of your body .
Love yourself, first. REALIZE the behavior inflicted on you was madness that only a person out of their right mind would do to another person. They must have had some horrible thing happen to them or going on inside of them. Why else would they choose to do these things?
It was never YOU, but them. Give yourself time to WORK through the issues and emotional damage and then move on. (This could take years ) Don't expect to forgive on a level you have never allowed yourself to deal with and grieve.
AFTER you WORK THROUGH everything you can remember and journal, then release the situatin and move forward.
Realize that when your kids or loved ones reach ages you went through trauma it could trigger you and you may have to work through more issue. Sometimes seeing a vulnerable child you care for makes you realize a deeper level of your own vulnerability at that tender age. When you survived it as a child, you were in survival mode, and now you can let down and feel the pain for the first time and get it out so you can be free.
If you dwell on the nightmare, you are in the nightmare all the time, they own your power. If you forgive them >>> , you have ALL the power to move forward in victory and health and freedom.
Every time the thoughts are brought back to your mind, remember that you have chosen to love and forgive and don't focus on the negativity. You also do not owe them a relationship, where they can reafflict you. Get yourself well and situated first because this is your life and you have to be healthy and strong to survive LIFE 101 .
Write out your losses, grieve them, but don't stay in the grief cycle for the rest of your life. This is your life. Fill it with fun and laughter, make plans, get a poster board and create a dream wall and put pictures from magazines you like on there.
You are acceptable .... And loveable.... Just the way you are , not when you are this or that.... But right where you are. I don't care if you are homeless, jobless, friendless, you are equal to every human being on the planet. No one is better than you.
You suffered through a lot and one day at a time you will recover. When you talk to yourself, pretend you are talking to the most important person in the world and treat them with love and respect. Self hatred with kill you. You did not DESERVE the abuse."